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I am sitting here at the park this lovely calm quiet-very still fall day.
Thinking of my daughter- my mother- of what it must feel like to not to always be in fear for your safety.It wears one out…. to constantly be in fight or flight mode. The system of abuse.
The system of abuse-so many lives it has claimed… and I am just one of thousands, whom remain frantically trying to simply stay alive; on top of the judicial horrors that continue with my daughter and like that of so many others. As always, I am drawn back to what is it that I can control—or do- to make a difference.?
As I sit here this beautiful day, watching the squirrels gather nuts, dropping them- playing with each other- listening to the world around me… the sounds of life, nature, indeed the universe it’s self; my heart aches. Desperately trying to find the inner strength to ‘pack’ and move yet again. Triaged as all battered women know and do- we carry all and everything we need in our purse- or car or tent and sleeping bag-so the main things are already secure- and I not wanting to go back into that ‘terror’ mode elected this spot at this time. In the park- and of course like my previous statement- all I truly need-is always with me. All but the ability to ‘live’ the beauty of life that is.
Hence, this blog entry- my puking if you will-I don't do this often- but like any other poison in the body-illness or other purging by throwing up-or crying till your vocal cords no longer can speak- like i did when my dear mom died-and the brutal attacks of the judiciary as a result the known adage that a coward, bully, abuser will always kick you hardest when you are down-remains true. So I must come stay above that – and I will. But for now I purge. Tomorrow I change the world.
After all these years, sixteen hellish years- one would think that the heart would stop bleeding-it doesn't. That is the nature of humanity, and ultimately will be what saves- humanity. Simply.
What do I want my child to know about the mother that she was forbidden to see..?? To know? To grow up with? What can I do to make it so that she knows, one day- how so very much she is loved..?
I often tell many mothers in crisis what I come back to now. The best gift a parent can give to their child is ‘example’. No matter if they see them, know them or are ripped completely out of their lives. The most horrible of all- and their goal- the abusers the criminal the perps rightful reward through our ‘Justice System”.
The next best thing to killing them, and if they can they will do that to. Ok so this is what I will not allow to happen. For myself anyway. Their are so many dead --- so many who have been silenced- their voices, their cries… like my internal cries- the cries of my own daughter falling once again on deaf ears.
There is so much I want to say to you my daughter. But where would one begin..? I think that out of all my dreams I have only but one. To simply walk with you in the park. On a day like this in a park like this, wrapped in only the warmth of the sun and the beauty of the trees… and that simple quiet-unspoken but known and understood complete understanding. I beleive this is called a chance to begin perhaps to ‘heal’.
The word ‘heal’ almost feels like a soothing band-aide on my broken heart. a simple thing really. To allow one to begin the “natural” process of healing.
We do not need court whores to do this. We as humans are naturally the perfect curers of our own endured traumas- to be allowed to simply exist.. to be left alone to just ‘be’. we can take care of this all on our own….
Ok, so this will not be achieved through court whore world- and again I am left to my self on a day like this- tired of ‘fear’ and just plain tired of all the years of not being ‘free’.
Freedom- I live in Topeka, Kansas-USA- where the people all wear blindfolds and THINK we are Free- define freedom… or, what does each individual person believe that freedom is, for their selves. As a society do we have the right to define another's freedom? No.
I am a survivor of brutal assaults. They call it Domestic Violence. There is nothing Domestic about it. The criminal who perpetrated the violence against my daughter and I was given complete custody-criminal rewards- and true to his words when i left 16 years ago-“If you leave I will take your child’-did.
Ten years ago after a 6 year battle through two court of appeals two petition for reviews to KS state supreme court ( all before year 2000. I remain without knowing my daughter- my daughter robbed of the chance to know her mother- forced to grow up in hell a hell that in and of its self must be a hell of the most unimaginable… I know this from other children who ‘aged’ out of the system. They are damaged beyond belief- most don't survive at all.. they kill themselves IF they survive the years of torture all graced by the hand called ‘Justice’. what kind of world are we leaving to our future??? our children.. Our future world leaders, senators, politicians…God what a dark and black world the smell of death in place of the smells of this lovely park I sit in now.
My complete love to my mother and my daughter, to both I miss beyond words and it is with both that I continue to to draw strength from, I love you both, therefore I have no choice other than to succeed, and succeed I will.
I have purged-
I will not shut up, give up and I will not go away!
www.KansansForJudicialAccountability.com
-be the change-
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